Dear Father in Heaven,
Two years ago I felt I had lost a part of myself. I felt dismissed like I couldn’t be a whole person or be what you wanted me to be and accomplish what you asked me to do. Because of this I felt called to go on a journey of stepping back from a community that I so loved and cherished. At that time I did not understand why but I knew it was the right and only thing to do. So I went into hibernation and was reclusive. All I could do was pray.
For a while a hotel conference room was my sanctuary. A place that I would sneak, to be with you, pray, cry and dream. I enjoyed your company. I kept asking you what was wrong with me and why people kept telling me that they didn’t understand. But you remained silent on this topic for a while. You allowed my heart to heal and returned creative energy to me.
My next question to you was, “What do I do now? How can I be a light and encourage others?” This time you opened up my eyes and gave me a vision for Able Soul. You helped me discover my voice again and uncover my gift of writing. I remember I was so afraid to write and worried that I would be awful at articulating my thoughts.
It was your answer, your insistent calling and my desire to be obedience that helped me overcome the stumbling blocks. Able Soul was developed and I learned not to be so critical of my writing and to develop a storytelling voice in sharing stories and prayers of faith and godly intimacy. Thank you for unleashing the voice inside of me that was dying to get out.
Like every journey it has twists and turns, which I have needed to navigate, and you have been beside me. However, there’s one persistent fear that I can’t overcome on my own. As you know, I desire to write honestly and candidly. So many ideas and thoughts keep swirling in my mind. Some are very controversial and intimate spiritually. As I start writing, I have flashbacks to the blank stares on peoples’ faces. The fear of being dismissed keeps creeping up on me and stops me from writing what’s on my mind and sometimes what you’re leading me to say.
Although I have forgiven the people, you made me realize that I have not been able to let go of the ramifications of the hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to forgive the person but the trespass itself is much harder to relinquish and to not allow it to impact your future in a negative way. I want to be a risk taker again. Not to be reluctant or timid to follow my inner voice and to stop safeguarding my heart. As I say, I can’t do this alone.
I pray for fresh eyes and that the pain from past hurts of being dismissed will gradually diminish. May that pain only serve as a catalyst to remind me to be conscientious and more compassionate of others, to always listen and not devalue others thoughts and feelings.
I feel this season of seclusion is ending and it’s time for me to venture out and find new opportunities for community and employment. Lord, I also want you to take Able Soul beyond these walls. I pray that you put people on my path who not only understand your vision but will inspire to help open the doors that will broaden this ministry where you lead. I know this is selfish of me but I really want to thrive for you and for my own sense of self-worth. I get really depressed when I am closed off and limited in serving by others.
Lord, you gave me a servant’s heart. Put me in places where my spirit will be utilized to your full advantage. I pray as you heal my heart you fill my mind with wisdom and anoint me with words and in actions that will encourage people to draw closer to you and embrace you as the loving father that you are.